- Ted: "Back off, Susan Boyle!"
- Narrator: "Whether you're Frankie Muniz or Justin Bieber, you eventually come to realize, nobody gives a sh*t."
- Ted: "Oh, that was my bad. I was sending a Tweet."
- John: "I've found my car keys. What's going on? Is that a sh*t?"
- Frank: "So, you think you've got what it takes?"
Ted: "I'll tell you what I've got: your wife's pussy on my breath."
Frank: "Nobody's ever talked to me like that before."
Ted: "That's cause everyone's mouth is usually full of your wife's box."
Frank: "You're hired."